i travelled 4,293 miles away from home.

Before deciding to finally walk away, my family talked and tried to convince me that I might regret the choices I'm going to make. My nanay panicked when she saw it in my eyes that I'm decided to leave home for a very long time. My tatay can't look straight to my eyes when I came home from the hospital. He watched me packed my clothes into my luggage. They knew that I will be gone for a while. They worried because this time they can't see me whenever they wanted to.

A lot of questions has been raised weeks before my flight. And I didn't get to answer not even one. I wanted to hug my dad and tell him I'm not okay, that I just need him by my side but I can't because I don't want to hurt him. Letting him see me hurting will hurt him more. 
and so I travelled 4,293 miles away from home: alone, bruised, rejected, and shattered.

...

Five months. Five months of living alone in a country where I see nothing but my own wilderness. I must admit, it's not easy to live in a country knowing that what you are doing is not living, but surviving.  

I know God is always with me because the very first thing he provided me when I came here was a church to attend to every Friday (Friday is the new Sunday here in Dubai).  God is always sure what I needed.  

He provided me with a good job, nice house, beautiful bed with a headboard where I could arrange my books the way I like and a nice bathtub for the bubble bath worthy days. 
I learned to live out of my comfort zone. I learned to live alone. And I learned to live day by day with the Lord.  

I missed home. I missed all the people I care. 

...

I can still remember that night when tatay dropped me at the airport.  While I was walking to check my luggage in, 

"i love you, Ging! if dli gihapun ka ma okay sa imung byahe, uli lang. naa rako permi musundo sa imu. (i love you, Ging. if this trip won't help you, just go back home. i'm always here to fetch you.)" tatay yelled as i was entering the airport.

I didn't look back because my tears were rolling down my cheeks. tatay knew that I wasn't okay but he never treated me like I was a charity case that needs saving from my own misery. He acted like he didn't know. He let me go. He let me travel 4,293 miles away from home.

...

I've had a lot of feelings this year. Feelings of different kinds. The amount that I missed myself  has grown vast and visceral these days.  

Winter is coming soon. 

The amount of people's excitement I can see around is overwhelming. 

Why can't I have that feeling? It seems like I haven't felt that since forever. 

I kneel to God day and night to dig deeper in my heart to help me find that kind of feeling that will make me ecstatic.  I lost the biggest part of me: myself. Whenever I look in the mirror, I can't recognize myself anymore. That biggest part was taken away from me. I got caught off-guarded. What do I do? It happened already.

I have every reason to get angry. I have every reason to be bitter and vindictive. But I wasn't raised by my parents to have "eye for an eye" as a mantra in life.

I was raised by my nanay and tatay to know Jesus and His love every single day of my life even everything seems senseless.  



I wasn't just prepared to meet my Job-like experience. 

...

Like you, I am also human. At some point it was hard for me to forgive. It was hard because it caused me so hard to stay asleep at night. It was hard because I have to cry everyday in our washroom at the office during lunch breaks. It was hard because I believed in a promise that wasn't kept.

It was hard for me to deal with it. I ran away from everyone. I shut everyone out because I never want them to meddle with my private healing. 

...

Not a single moment that I never ran to God whenever I feel like I am drowning again.  I learned that forgiveness is not just a feeling. Forgiveness is the fulfilment of God's Will.  

Running 4,293 miles away from home made me realise that God will never leave me even if I am travelling alone. God ran with me the moment i took the first step. 

He saw the pain that I had gone through. He saw how my heart got broken so bad. But despite of that shattered pieces, God never stopped loving me.

Yes, I got drowned with the bad things that happened to me, but the love that I knew from God and the love He has for me was never lost. That love kept my feet on the ground even if I am battling with depression. That love was holding me from getting angry and unforgiving. The kind of love you can only trust despite the uncertainty and cruelty of life.

That love held me so tight that it sank into my unwell heart and reminded me that i am different. I am different because I know how to forgive. I am different because I know what love and the love of God is.  I am fulfilling God's Will. 

God wasn't afraid of the sharp edges of the broken pieces of my heart that may seem quiet risky to others.  He doesn't pull back.  He pulls me closer. Because I know God is still with me. His promises still stand even if I am 4,293 miles away from home; away from all the people I cared about.

...

And I know the Lord draws near to the one who has had her heart shattered and delivers her from exposed grief to victory.

...

One day, I will see home again with a healed heart. One day, I'll travel 4,293 miles back. One day, I will go home. 

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted 

and saves those who are crushed 

in spirit.

-Psalm 34:18