letters to heaven

everyday i struggle to wake up not because i'm lazy, but the feeling of dealing with what's out there, with life, is a never ending agony. 

i find it so hard for myself to function well when i know that i am broken enough to just rest until i can no longer feel how damage i am. 

....

my friend invited me to eat pancakes at iHop last weekend. she even lied that she's sick in order for me to get out of my bed and take her out for a brunch. While we were waiting for the American breakfast we ordered, she can't stop staring at me and I am feeling uncomfortable about it. 

then she finally asked, "what's wrong?" 

"i am diagnosed with Severe Depression." i answered blankly. just wanting to inform her my condition as well as ending the conversation of what-when-where-and-how drama.

i can see how worried she was for me. she knows that i have been avoiding everyone else except my family in the Philippines. 

"i understand why you don't wanna talk. just please take care of yourself. Pray." she told me sadly.

and I love her for not pushing the questions we both know i don't wanna hear and i don't want to answer either.

so our breakfast arrives on our table; she didn't order coffee because she knows i don't drink it, instead we shared that one watermelon iced tea. 

her joy sharing the drink with me gives warmth in my heart. i felt i was heard even if i didn't say anything. 

.....

i didn't go back to the clinic.  that night, i decided to not pursue the medical help. i prayed to God to heal me. i cried so hard with disbelief that i am already severe.

that night, i started to write letters to God so i won't forget what i prayed for. i believed that in doing this, i will get out of the darkness without any medical prescriptions. i know my letters will reach Heaven. i know that God sees me even before i was born.  he knows  how, when and where exactly my turning point is. and i believe this season in my life is what he is been waiting for. to run back to Him in the midst of what i thought my impossibility, vulnerability and brokenness.

.....

i started my Godly medication.  I started to fast and pray at least once a week. I talked to God about everything i feel and my fear of what i will feel in the next days and the future. everyday when i wake up, i kneel to Him on my bed asking, claiming that His mercies are new every morning. before i sleep every night, i write and talk to Him about my day and ask His love and peace to uphold my entire system.

scratch papers, notebooks, pens, stickers; everything that i can go creative with in writing my letters to God everyday is on the bed with me. I am nothing but bluntly honest to God with what i felt even if it kills me going through the feelings again. I know i have to lay it all to God more than how the psychiatrist dig my entire human being the first day in the clinic.

besides knowing that running back to God for healing is free, I am sure that He will always be with me until i go back to Him in heaven. and i believe in His promises in the Bible. i believe every single word of them.

right now, i just need to put my head and heart in the Lord.  i might still be the unhappy, sad and lifeless looking person tomorrow but i promise you that i am not doing this alone. i am doing this with God and for God. 

i know one day i'll wake up without the feeling to struggle to get out of the bed. 

one day i'll wake up seeing sunshine even if my room doesn't have windows. 

one day, i'll be healed. 

God promised me that.

....

"i believe i will go further with God in this battle than doing the medication with the psychiatrist." i told my friend.

"i'm happy you made the right choice." she answered and hugged me.

Listen to my words, Lord, amidst my lament.  Hear my cry for help,

my King and my God, for to you I pray.  In the morning, Lord,

You hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests

before you and wait expectantly.

-Psalm 5:1-3