you thought breakups aren't ugly

We romanticize breakups in order to survive.  We  want the pain and the aching to have meaning, so that it didn't all happen for nothing.  We need a way to wrap our brains around all the heartache.  So we think about the movies we've seen, the books we've read, the sad One Republic songs they play during the montage that follows a breakup scene at the end of a dramatic television episode.  

And we want to be those people, those characters.  We want to stare out of a bus window on a rainy day and experience growth in a ten-second take.  We want to go on a long hike and get to the top of a mountain and then realize it was a metaphor!  The whole time for our grieving process, and that now we're okay.  We want to stand alone and stare at the skyline of a beautiful city at night, and smile to the invisible audience watching us, to signify that we will get this because we're strong.

But in real life, breakups are ugly.  And yes, there are some really beautiful moments that happen throughout that time of healing.  But they are sparse, and sprinkled amongst to many rough days that we are fairly unaware of them.  

The healing happens slowly, because this is real life.  We are unaware of the growth and the change happening within us because it is happening in quiet, unremarkable moments. Nothing about it is seemingly courageous are awe-inspiring.  It's just regular life.  But it's regular life that we're forcing ourselves to go through and continue showing up to, despite the heaviness that sits on our shoulders. 

And that is where the strength is coming from, bit by bit.  Each time we get out of bed we're getting stronger.  Each time we cry in the bathroom stall and then shake it off and go back to our desk, we're getting stronger.  Each time we force ourselves to go be with our friends when we all want to do is stay home and wallow, we're getting stronger.  

Nothing about this behavior is sexy or fascinating to watch.  It doesn't turn ours into an exceptional story or turns us into outstanding character.  We're just us, surviving despite how sad we are, and how heavy our heart is.

words by: Kim Quindlen

source: thoughtcatalog.com