I can't describe the last moment how full life feels like. I wonder each night; where has it gone? I feel like I'm playing with the wind that only last for a minute or two and chasing the dead that I only knew will never be alive.
Have you ever tried squeezing your emotions until life comes out of it, but nothing happens?
I seek solace to every part of the world that I could reach. The beach. Nature. My room. some nice place here in Dubai. Somewhere I could release and unravel the feeling I have inside.
For four years, I lived in a temporary belief which I thought to be permanent and true. Although, sometimes I can feel it's already crashing. I thought I don't need anyone else except for that one person that I trusted the most. I relied on his every word. I became too dependent on him. I became the one thing he hated the most. Dead.
If only I went on the screening of the latest episode of the dead man walking, surely I will be one of the high paid zombies.
I can't speak. I am unable to express my feelings through words. I am unable to shout out what I felt. I really just wanted to let it all out and I hope everything will be the same again in a blink of an eye. But it didn't go that way with my life.
...
Then, there was that moment that I just woke up in the middle of the night with a bucket full of tears in my eyes plus the ones that my pillows have caught. Everything sank into my senses that I have been like this every night for five months like grinding my teeth when I sleep. I never thought that crying will become normal to me than smiling.
I never realized that my prayers are too liquid that it came out of my eyes even when I am asleep. For all those times that I wanted to speak to God everything that I have been through, I know my tears reached heaven.
I can never forget that one sad night; suddenly somebody is speaking to me like, "be patient. have faith." I thought it was just in my head. I thought I was getting crazy. But no, it was God speaking to me.
I never thought things will turn out differently after that night. I decided to finally let go of my dead life. I decided to turn on to the next page of it.
It took me five months to accept reality. It took me that long to finally accept enough of the depression. To be honest, I really don't know where to start. I really don't know.
Trusting God was the one hardest thing I could ever do in times of depression.
I know I have everything that I need right here. I have God. I have the one person who can take away every single ounce of depression in my system.
...
I still think about you a lot. I don't like the silence that I created. But getting off the grid of all the forms of social media is helping me a lot more than trying to play God to you through my words and actions.
I remembered I was sitting on my dad's car and suddenly slammed my hands against the steering wheels and screamed, "I don't want this kind of life, Lord. I don't want this!"
My best friend told me "You have to let go and let God. I know it's very cliche, but you have to let go. It's the best thing that you can do. I don't know how else to help you other than prayers, but if you are unwilling to let God take over, you will go around the circles over and over again."
The next morning, I couldn't get out of the bed. I vomited several times that weekend. Cried all my tears out. Out of stress. Out of fear. I lost four kilos in less than two weeks. I realized I was coming back to depression again.
...
Even when my life broke into two. Or maybe more, I know there will be answers to my "whys". And even not all of them are answerable, I know God will give me that peace that I longed for a very very long time.
I know know God is coming back for me. I know He will.
I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in Him.
-Psalm 40:1-3
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