August: My Second Semester of Depression

Nearly nine months ago, I always imagined myself praying, kneeling while crying to God all the time. like literally all the time.

For the last nine months, I was like Jacob wrestling with God until he will bless me; Job, who lost everything in a blink of an eye, waiting until God will give back ten times what I lost; Ruth trying to work very hard in an alien country just to survive. Waiting for God to just snap the depression from my eyes and help me gain 14 kilos back and just let me walk on Earth with a new identity.

Many times in my bed, I curl up like an unborn child underneath my sheets and cry most of the nights instead of sleeping. Many times I sit on my bed in the middle of the night watching my lavender scented candle burn until I can no longer smell the scent of it. Many times I spend my night baths in the tub crying as hard as the water drips from the shower because they both sound the same.

I'm needy, empty, and broken. I became the person I feared the most. I never imagined my life will become a playground for other people. And these are not just some random people. These are the people I let myself in my life and loved the most. 

I questioned God for most the times that I knelt down while seeing every bit of myself from the reflections of the tears on the floor. And I believe He'd rather have me asked it all out rather than keeping it in my head and make another person of him in my head. 

I've been told to pray even when I was a child. All the struggles, the pain, discouragements, confusions, everything: Pray it all out. Pray without ceasing.

Praying is the only thing I could ever do in depression. I could barely see people around. For the longest time in my life, I felt sad and bad about myself.  I let someone ruin all of me and at the same time play around my fragile heart. I let someone belittle me many times than all his "I love yous" sent through Viber.

Struggling to get out of it while working on myself to become the woman God wants me to be for Him and for my future husband, I had to go through a dark tunnel to realize that it is only God can get me out of this misery and horror. I need to dust this all so I won't have any skeletons left in my closet when I get married. I need God in my life, and for all of my life.

I had to face how reality bites and the hurtful truths about life and people. I have to understand even in the midst of the struggle and depression, God will give us his best laid life plan even if the world crushes us a lot of times. 

I must tell you that this is not easy.  We have to understand that the people who broke us may also be broken by the world. We may just be the casualties of their misfortunes in life, intentionally or not.   

I am still on the process of healing. I am still far from it but I know God will get me there.  I know God will take all my pain, fears and doubts in no time because God is good and He has good for me.

 And my hope and prayer for the women out there suffering depression is that I am with you in this. I am praying for you to never stop seeking God for help.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 

 -Romans 8:28